We Alternate Years. It's the Only Fair Answer.

The Holiday Issue · His side here. Her side: Alternating is fair on paper. Families aren't paper. at Typical Female.Pick a side ↓

Every November, couples across the country hold the same tribunal: two families, one Thursday, no appeal. I sat on that court for four years. Then I abolished it.

Every year for our first four years together, my wife and I had the same argument in the first week of November. Her parents or mine. Who hosted last time. Whose mom sounded more hurt on the phone. Whose dad is getting older. We'd settle it eventually, and one of us would spend Thanksgiving quietly keeping score.

Year five, I proposed a rule so boring it worked. We alternate. Odd years, her family. Even years, mine. No exceptions for anyone's feelings, including ours.

A boring rule beats an annual negotiation every time.

Why boring wins

The holidays already run hot. In the American Psychological Association's 2023 poll, 41% of adults said their stress goes up during the holiday season, and 36% said the holidays feel like a competition. Whose family gets Thanksgiving is the purest form of that competition. It has a winner and a loser, and both are people you love.

A rule takes the competition out. When the answer is set in advance, nobody's mother is being chosen against. It's just the calendar. You can be sad about the calendar. It's much harder to be hurt by it.

Travel makes the case for planning

The logistics also argue for deciding early. AAA projected 81.8 million Americans traveling for Thanksgiving 2025, 73 million of them by car. In YouGov's 2025 survey, 18% of Americans said they planned to travel for the holiday, and only 5% said they'd celebrate with a partner's family. If you're one of the couples on the road, you want to book in August, not argue in November.

Even the dates are a fight waiting to happen. AAA notes that Sunday and Monday are the busiest return days for air travel, and that the return leg is what pushes up the price of a flight. That's a calendar question, and calendar questions are much easier to answer in August, when nobody's mother is on speakerphone.

The objections, answered

"But my parents are older." So are hers, eventually. The rule protects whichever parents are getting older at the time. "But her family does it bigger." Bigger isn't a vote. "What if something happens?" Then you talk. A rule is a default, not a prison. We broke it once, for a hospital stay, and nobody argued, because breaking it meant something.

Her best argument, and why I still hold the line

My wife's case against me is a good one, and you should read it in full. Her point: families aren't equal claims every year. Sometimes one table has a new widow and the other has twenty cousins. A strict rotation can send you to the loud house when the quiet one needed you.

I don't disagree with any of that. Where we split is on what follows. She says: so decide fresh each year. I say: fresh decisions every year are how couples end up re-litigating their whole marriage over a casserole. Keep the rule. Break it on purpose, together, when the reason is obvious to both of you. If you have to argue about whether it's an exception, it isn't.

Three versions of the rule, for three kinds of couples

The straight alternation. Odd years hers, even years his. Best for couples whose families live far apart and who can only manage one trip.

The holiday swap. Thanksgiving with one family, the December holidays with the other, flipping every year. Best when both families are drivable and care most about different holidays.

The home base. You host, and both families are invited every year. Best once you have kids, a real table and a high tolerance for chaos. YouGov found half of Americans planned to celebrate at their own home in 2025, so more couples get there than you'd think.

How to make it stick

Announce it to both families together, as a team decision, not one spouse's concession. Give the off-year family something real: a weekend in early December, a call during dinner, a standing plan. And never, ever renegotiate it in the car on the way there.

My wife agrees with the rule. She doesn't agree with my reasons. Her side, and why she thinks "fair" is the wrong goal, is the other half of this month's debate at Typical Female: Alternating is fair on paper. Families aren't paper..

Your turn

Alternate every year, or go where you're needed most? This is our Debate of the Month. Pick a side below, and tell us how your family settles it.

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Whose family gets Thanksgiving?

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Alternate every year. It's the only fair way. Go where you're needed most this year.

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Her side · Typical FemaleAlternating is fair on paper. Families aren't paper.Read her take ↗

1. Take the quiz: How typical is your Thanksgiving?
2. Add your take to the Debate of the Month: Whose family gets Thanksgiving?
3. Tell us your story. 18+, anonymous if you want, read by an editor.

More from the Holiday Issue

• ThanksgivingMeeting Her Family at Thanksgiving: What Nobody Tells the Boyfriend
• ThanksgivingI Hosted Friendsgiving and Finally Understood My Mother
• ThanksgivingHow to Avoid Politics at Thanksgiving Without Pretending You Have No Opinions

Sources

• YouGov, "Thanksgiving 2025: what Americans will cook, eat and debate at the table this year" (n=1,120). 50% plan to celebrate at their own home, 35% at a family member's home, 5% at a partner's family's home and 5% at a friend's; 18% plan to travel.
• AAA, Thanksgiving travel forecast 2025. AAA projected 81.8 million Thanksgiving travelers in 2025, including 73 million by car.
• American Psychological Association, holiday season stress poll, Nov 2023 (n=2,061). 41% of U.S. adults say their stress increases during the holidays; 36% say the holidays feel like a competition.